Planning a Film on a New Subject

I don't intentionally try to seek out substantially dramatic subject matter for the films I make but I have naturally gravitated towards such subject matter when the inspiration has struck me. This past summer I shot (and premiered at the end of September) a film titled "Our Worlds Collide" which delved into the bonds of people as well as domestic violence. I followed this by shooting another film titled "When Living Without" which delved into the withdrawal struggles of someone facing prescription drug addiction. So one can say much of my recent film work has been focused on strong social issues. Not really knowing what would come next I found myself struck with inspiration by total chance. I've begun screenwriting on a new piece that I hope to have finished in the next few weeks so I can prepare shooting for it. But in the past couple days I have found myself effected in a much more profound way that I thought would occur, even considering the darkness and pain of the subject matter.

Starting at the beginning, the inspiration, I was looking up some videos on YouTube. I can't remember exactly what I was looking up, it was something sports related, and sadly there are so many, let's call them fetish type videos out there that they pop up seemingly no matter what you're looking up at some point or another. While engaged in one of these searches a "fetishy" type video popped up in the listing which regarded itself as a video of a mother making out with her daughter. It was obviously a staged video with a younger woman and an older woman using, apparently, the concept of the disturbing nature of incest in a sexually appealing way. Having just stumbled across this video I was struck by the possible reality of a mother and a daughter becoming intimate with one another, but from a more realistic place, meaning a mother engaging in physical/sexual abuse of a daughter. Now what made me start thinking about this was the fact that is appeared so rare. When one hears about a parent assaulting their children it is more often the father than the mother and when it does involve the mother it tends to more often occur with their sons. Looking up statistics I found that only about 5% of all parental sexual abuse on their children involve mothers with their daughters. But when we think of the astounding number of parental assault claims and reports made in America, even 5% is a remarkably high number of people.

I found that my lack of knowledge and understanding as far as the effects of a mother engaging in sexual abuse against her daughter was common for pretty much everyone, be they a man or woman. In fact, looking up psychological writings done on this one of the complications raised by many is the fact that so little is known about abuses of this type because they are more rare than in other types. This inspired me to possibly begin writing a screenplay about a woman who was assaulted by her mother, not just because it's a major issue that I feel deserved recognition but specifically because there is such a lack of knowledge and in many ways a disbelief that women (or mothers) can be sexually abusive towards their offspring. What drew me even more to the idea of writing a piece about a daughter who was abused by her mother was the effect that I found it had on that daughters perspectives of becoming a mother herself. The one thing that a mother/daughter sexual experience has that all other types of parents sexually abusing their children doesn't have is that it involves a mother, who gave birth to a child who, in turn, could also have children herself in the future. I was drawn in and heartbroken reading about women who suffered so being abused by the very one who brought her into the world that they fear they may create the same thing for their own possible children (even though this has been proven to be incredibly rare).

After researching the effects and such of someone who experienced something as awful as this I began structuring the character and where the film was going to go. But after developing a general outline, a direction for the piece to go I felt I hadn't quite fully developed a character that would be a strong representative of someone who had gone through something so terrible. And that, of course, is of the utmost importance to me, so as to create a realistic portrayal of what parental sexual abuse can do to someone so that people will take greater notice of it, especially for people in society who were not sexually assaulted as children who will have a stronger tendency to not think about it. I grew up in what I didn't realize when I was younger but understood when I was finally in my 20s, but it was a dysfunctional home. Both my parents had three siblings and yet they were the black sheep growing up. My mother's mother was a chain smoking alcoholic who constantly berated here which led to my mom beginning to work full time when she was 16 just so she could be away from home and when she was old enough she moved from here northern California town up to the Portland, Oregon area where she has lived ever since (as do I). My father's father was a prime example of many fathers in the middle of the 20th Century. On the one side he worked very hard to support his family and he took them on vacations. But on the other end he was a bit of a task master and with my father being his eldest son my father got the bulk if his criticism and hostility. I'm sure to this day my father will still argue none of this to be the case but he is very good at using rambling to justify his actions. My parents were married in 1990 and stayed together for almost twenty years but the problems began within those first few years. When my parents were divorced it threw my life into instability even though I was 22-years old at the time. I became estranged from my father, just leaving home one day and never coming back after my mother moved out. I those years to follow I discovered how little my parents did to truly care for me and prepare me for the world. For instance: paying for college. Going back to when I was 12-years old it was an understanding between my parents and I that if I tried hard enough and got scholarships and grant money for college they would help cover the rest. But they established a college fund for me in 1989 of which my grandmother placed $1,000 into. When I had to dip into that money seventeen years later my parents hadn't put a single dime in there over that time. Furthermore, after my mother and her brother, my uncle, sold their parents home my uncle gave me $5,000 out of his chunk to put towards my schooling. At this time my bank account was in my parents name… surely you have an idea as to what happened. We fell onto hard times and my parents spent all that money, not only without even telling me, but then they said point blank that they wouldn't reimburse me for the money. That's just one example that shows how off kilter my parents were. Now in the years to follow my parents divorce I was very lost and full of anger over how bad I had begun to feel my parents were. I bickered and complained about them a lot, mostly just to myself. Like a lot of people, I used the divorce of my parents as a way to justify my own pain and blowing up their actions into something much worse than they were.

Well, in the past few years, I have put much of my past and my upbringing into greater context and have adjusted to and understand it much better. In having researched in this particular case of parents sexually abusing their children it has helped me put my own life experience into even better perspective in realizing that certainly my parents weren't perfect and created lots of struggles for me when I was growing up, my experience could have been so much worse. My parents never abused me (physically or emotionally), sure we fought every now and then and sometimes one of them would lose their cool but I was never beat or left feeling abandoned or uncared for. At this point in my life I don't complain anymore about my past and my upbringing even though, pushing 30, I still struggle in some ways as far as fully having total control over my life. But now I feel I have little to nothing to complain about when I see the experiences that others went through.

In the past few days, in trying to better develop my character, I have looked on various sites and forums and have read numerous postings from women who were assaulted sexually by their mothers and it's been just a jarring experience even after trying to prepare myself for what I might see going in. But it's fully changed and elevated the drive and purposes I have in my mind as far as why I am pursuing such subject matter to produce a film on and how hard I want to push shooting such a piece. I am, at this very moment, still reading some of these true experiences and will possibly write more on it and get things prepared to shoot something that is going to be very powerful. So certainly I will likely write more on this here.

IMDB Approved!

Greatly excited that my upcoming documentary has become the newest entry on my IMDB page as an announced production since I'm still in the early stages. But it's up and running and I've got the link to the page here as I will be continuing to update that page as the film comes together. A bit ironic too I must say being a filmmaker out of Portland and when I took the screen shot they just happened to be advertising for Portlandia. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4332786/?ref_=nm_flmg_dr_1

More on My Documentary

As I begin production on my most recent piece of film work something did slip my mind that a friend of mine fortunately reminded me of. In previous posts I referenced that this documentary is focused in on the conflict that exists between homosexuality and Christianity. That said, it is not my intention to close this production off to just discussing the struggles of homosexuals, but included in the issue and discussing with also be those who are bi-sexual, transgendered and so on as they quite obviously fit into this same equation. One of the main focuses of this film is to find some compassion and understanding in an issue that has created a great deal of hostility in our civilization. Beyond that, the issue is often primarily pushed that gays are bad and sinful because they engage in, let's say, "romantic and relationship practices" that are against the rules of Christianity. The obvious argument then is if you're a man you are to only be romantic and have relationships with women and then vice verse. So obviously if one is bi-sexual or transgendered they don't fit into that perfect box anymore than one who is outright homosexual. So clearly they are every bit as important to the focus of this film; just wanted to make sure I cleared that up before proceeding on.

The most important aspect in this case, as far as effecting the film itself, is if one stumbles onto my posts looking to interview and get the perspectives of many people (particularly those who are directly effected by this struggle) I certainly didn't want people to keep reading "homosexual, homosexual, homosexual" and think I was keeping my focus only there. Therefore, if you are bi-sexual, for example, and even if you've never engaged in anything romantically or sexually with someone of the same sex you're feelings and perspective still definitely apply because you still understand what it's like to have feelings for and to be attracted to members of the same sex as yourself.

I'm certainly not expressing anything here that anyone won't understand but just again, clearing up the air as I proceed forward with this film production. The formal announcement has been posted and accepted on my IMDB page so there's another boost in the early going of this production. And again, if you're seeing this for the first time and interested in how the piece will be I would suggest taking a glance at the postings I've placed prior to this one. To just reiterate real quick, I am a filmmaker out of Portland, Oregon beginning work on my first ever documentary film. As a straight Christian who has found his life taking an interesting 180 degree turn since becoming a churchgoer I have been deeply bothered by the rift that clearly exists in many ways between Christianity and homsexuality (and again, this actually means anyone who isn't straight). I have been particularly bothered but the aggressive and sometimes unfeeling manner in which many Christians have gone by in order to try and combat those with different lifestyles. I will be continuing to post here about my feelings on this as I get to work as well as updates on the production. SO IF THIS FILM ATTRACTS YOUR ATTENTION AND YOU FEEL YOU HAVE SOMETHING RELEVANT TO SAY FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME! I am accepting video interviews from anyone anywhere across the country even if it's just you in front of your web cam. We fortunately have the technology now to where people can send videos across the country to me. You can contact me through my email: flmmkr25@hotmail.com

OR you can contact me at the Facebook page I've created for this film: https://www.facebook.com/christiangayfilm

Again thanks to all who read this and want to get involved and say their piece in this issue!

-Steve

Another Place To Respond for Interview Information

I also, for the heck of it, have created a new Facebook page to go along with my new film as a way to keep people updated and to provide another location for people to respond if they are interested.

The link to the page is: A Meaningful Documentary
                                     https://www.facebook.com/christiangayfilm

Delving Into My First Documentary

On an issue that I have been contemplating over for the past five years or so and something that I’ve really wanted to do a film on someday, something that is very relevant to both me and the world around me, I have decided to do a film that delves into the relationship or rather the rift that exists between Christianity and homosexuality. I personally am a devout Catholic and have been for pushing eight years now and am a weekly attendee in church who once upon a time was strongly conservative and in opposition to gay marriage. But in recent years my perspective there has fluctuated greatly and I am deeply troubled by this strong rift that is perceived and in many ways exists between Christianity and homosexuals. I, as well as many others, have problems with the disrespectful ways in which many so-called Christians berate and insult homosexuals for the lives in which they lead and it’s frustrating that in many cases just because I call myself a Christian that I am somehow in legion with these types of people. I feel so strongly about this that in a time when I should be trying to make more money and or getting more experience and connections working on other film productions I will be putting a lot of time in the coming months towards this project as I feel it can help readjust people’s perspectives and sometimes misguided perceptions. I am also doing this at risk for myself as well. I am risking my status in the church I have been attending for almost a decade now. Living on the rectory property I am certainly risking the living situation I have now so this is not some little insignificant or side project but something I have a great passion towards.  

All that said, I feel the strongest way in which to go about producing this piece is interviewing those who have a valid and productive perspective on this issue and in particular I wish to interview those who are both gay and Christian for they live through the issue on both sides. I am open though, again, to interviewing pretty much anyone as long as their intentions are not to rip into homosexuality or Christianity for such would obviously be in opposition to the objectives I have for the film. 

And this will not merely be 90 minutes of endless interview clips for my perspective is to delve more deeply into the lives of the people who are most directly influenced by this issue that I am addressing. Beyond interviews I want to develop a strong understanding of these people: how they live, how they deal with this issue being both gay and religious, how they feel about their religion as well as their homosexuality, etc. The objective here is not to create a pro or anti-religious film nor is it to create a pro or anti-gay film. This is purely a humanitarian pieces that examines human behavior and why we behave in the ways we do in regards to this particular issue. So I will be addressing fear, hypocrisy, love, hate, misconceptions, and of course our very humanity. Now obviously, based on whoever is being interviewed, the situations regarding that interview will vary greatly which I what I want. I have a massive listing of issues that I have pondered and written on over the years that I am planning on posing as questions for others to consider. In addition to that, when I am finished asking my questions I will give whoever is being interviewed the open opportunity to discuss anything else that is on their mind with regards to this issue and their feelings towards it. So it will be a very relaxed environment in which one can feel comfortable in opening up and releasing their feelings. Obviously the more direct, honest and passionate a given person being interviewed it’s more likely what they have to say will have a powerful impact. 

I don’t want people to come away from this piece disoriented but rather I want them to come away with a sense of peace and relaxation that will hopefully overcome any aggressive or adversarial feelings one may have had before. And certainly one of my strongest hopes is that someone of those who act with such aggression towards homosexuality will see the issue with more compassionate and reflective eyes. Even now I am not 100% certain how this piece will all come together as there is much to talk about and I am sure with each person I speak with new ideas and issues will arise that will take the production in a new direction. So while I have a strong outline and directive in regards to what I am going after and what a final piece will look like, this will be an educational experience for me just as well as anyone else involved. I will probably try and focus my interviews into the next three months or so, so by the start of spring I will be more or less completed with those and in the process of putting the final piece together. 

So, in the end, I am hoping to connect with and interview as many gay Christians or anyone who has something worthwhile to say (even if it’s just a few words) as I can and while I’m certainly going to be networking best I can it will be an even greater help if those I know and those reading this feel the can provide something worthwhile towards this film and perhaps they know others who will have something to say. Either way, I greatly appreciate your interest (which most certainly has been captured or else you wouldn’t have wasted your time reading this) and look forward to meeting with you or excepting your help in any way that you can provide.

-Steve     

My New Documentary - Gay Christian Relationship

Greetings one and all, haven't done much writing the past two months as I've been taking some time off and recovering from an overly exhausted period of time leading into the Christmas season. But coming out of that I knew I wanted to get back to work and as I have pondered what direction to go in next I have always had the idea of doing a documentary lingering in the back of my mind. 

If we were to go back ten or so years I would say I classified myself as fairly conservative. When I became old enough to vote the issue of gay marriage came up in more than one measure and each time I voted against it without a second thought. Like so many young people I just went with what I convinced myself was accurate and gave it very little thought afterward. But as I grew older and became better educated both in book smarts and in general knowledge I found myself questioning how abruptly I had dismissed the homosexual lifestyle. On top of that, I have been a believer in God as long as my memory goes back. But I was not raised in a religious household and did not begin attending church until I was 20 years old. This said, I discovered and nurtured this belief entirely myself. But as I chose to make it grow and began attending a Catholic church it would be easy for one to presume that my dismissal of homosexuality would only grow. In fact, in telling anyone of my religious leanings often times the first response I get back is, "Oh, so you have a problem with gay people?" A misnomer yes, but not without some reinforcement. 

But for me, the interesting thing has been that since I have become more and more religious my perspective on homosexuality has altered greatly. I've found that very fascinating since so many people turn to religion for some sense of identity and then blindly follow what it says without any real examination or understanding. You ask them why they think this way or that and they just say, "Well God told me so." And I hate that reasoning because I believe as a true believer one needs to educate one's self and learn why God says something to be so or if he says something is so at all. In this process I have done lots of retrospection and self-examination over time and considered a great many concepts in regards to this seeming fractured relationship between Christianity and homosexuality and in particularly the way many so-called "Christians" behave and received gay people regardless what their persona or religious leanings are.  

What's lead me towards producing a documentary on such a concept is I haven't really seen a true understanding sought out. It's always just been gays against Christians or vice versa. This very much dismisses the truth that there are gay Christians out there when there are actually a great deal of them out there. The presumption is that because a gaggle of morons stand outside of gay gatherings waving their hate signs that somehow homosexuality and Christianity will always be separate. That bothers me greatly as well as the inaccurate notion that Christians are all just a bunch of homophobic gay-bashers. My focus is thus to bridge that gap between the two discussing many of the issues that I have considered in recent years. In this vein I am hoping to interview a rather large number of people but in particular I am hoping to interview those who regard themselves as “gay Christians”. I am most interested in interviewing these people because they can personally understand the perspective on both sides and will obviously have the most intensive things to say. 

My interview structure is one of posing questions regarding several issues I would like to address and then also allowing for open time in which whomever is being interviewed can say what they please about their feelings on the relationship between Christianity and homosexuality. As a sexually straight Christian this film is going to be a learning experience for me as well as for anyone. Despite the amount of time I have put towards making this a reality and the great number of aspects I wish to cover I am sure there are some things out there that it hasn’t dawned on me to address that those I have the opportunity to speak with will bring to light and only expand on the significance of the point that this production can make. In the end the idea is to dispel many of the inaccurate and misguided perceptions as to what homosexuals and Christians are really like and, beyond that, how they can be when they are one and the same. The ground that such a production that this can cross is endless and I have little doubt in the power it will have upon its completion.  

So obviously I’m not going to delve in super detail as to everything this film will cover as you’ll be here forever. This is primarily just to introduce the project because even though I do have a few gay Christian friends, I want to expand and connect with as many people as I can and that obviously requires networking and spreading the word. Being based out of Portland, Oregon and having not much money to go towards the piece my initial plan was just to interview those around Portland (especially since Oregon has a very low Christian population so it would be an interesting journey). But then my mind woke up and I remembered that it is the 21st century. It’s the age of YouTube and webcam videos so I can spread the word to anyone anywhere in the country down to Cal and all the way over to places like Florida and New York. So anyone who fits the bill or has something they feel is interesting to say in regards to this piece you can shoot yourself with your webcam or, preferably, a stronger quality camera - the higher quality video the better - and get that to me (preferably through something like Dropbox where the raw video file can be sent through). 

Again, I’m just getting the ball rolling so hopefully the word will spread and reach anyone who is interested. Anyone interested can contact me either by responding to this blog or sending something to my email, which I will likely check more often. The email is: flmmkr25@hotmail.com. So if anyone interested feels the desire to get involved you can shoot me an email just letting me know a little about yourself and why you’re interested and I can email you back the questions I have prepared for interviews so you can read them yourself or have a friend read them so it’s still like a legitimate interview even if you’re doing it from the other side of the country. Then, just as the case would be if I were speaking to you directly, when you’ve finished going through those questions you can make any points or tell any stories you wish. And of course, if you really don’t have much of an opinion on a given question feel free to not answer. The only thing I am not going to tolerate is someone who only wishes to create conflict, expressing hostility towards Christians and/or homosexuals. Making the problem larger isn’t going to help anything and since it’s my film I control what goes in and what doesn’t so it would be a pointless pursuit to create havoc for the production anyway. 

So there is my introduction and hopefully this reaches some interested or pertinent souls who can see where I am going and have something worthwhile to say. I’ll definitely be posting more on this production over the next few weeks as well and for anyone interested I am more than happy to provide further information on the film. And with that said, quoting the great Tobias Funke: LET THE GREAT EXPERIMENT BEGIN!

Thanks all!