So folks like me who are into some specific art form, whatever it may
be, you tend to have a mind that is constantly running. And it's not
only when you're trying to be artistic. It may start that way, but
eventually you often find your mind running for either creation or
solutions no matter you do. Sometimes that's a blessing because you
naturally are continuously thinking and hopefully bettering yourself,
but other times it fills your brain with so many thoughts that it either
leads you to act erratically and sometimes leads you to completely
avoid the easiest of possible solutions. And so to provide a comedic
example as to how my mind tends to work, I will present to you all the
story about my race through Sellwood. For those not from around here,
Sellwood is in the south central part of Portland, Oregon. It's one of
the few neighborhoods that isn't gradually going to hell and it's a
hipster haven in many ways. Lots of antique places and coffee shops. And
just a few weeks back I had a journey I'll hopefully never have to
re-live.
So my work day ends and I know I have a length
bus ride home. I'll be lucky if it only takes about 80 minutes to get
home. So I made sure to go to the bathroom about 15 minutes before
getting off, there shouldn't be any issues in that department, because
no matter how much I may have to go to the bathroom, there's no way I
can go outside of searching for a space behind a dumpster. I hop my
first bus and only half way to getting off I suddenly have to take a
pee. How? Only twenty minutes after going I suddenly have to go again
and there's nothing I can do about it. But I figure, I'll hopefully be
all right, because the way I see it there are two kids of pees. There's
the kind where you have to go much faster if you walk so if you just sit
down it takes longer and you're usually fine. Conversely, there is the
other kind of pee where if you sit down your bladder gets all
constricted so standing up ultimately relaxes things and slows the need.
Well, on this day I discovered there is a third type, a type I'd like
to call 'sitting or standing it doesn't matter!" And this type decided
to rear it's ugly head. In the final moments of riding the bus then I
figure it will be fine because I won't be sitting anymore. Interestingly
enough, I hop off the bus and start walking down to catch the next one
and, what do you know, I have to pee a lot worse. Of course, I start
walking faster and faster as though getting to my next stop is going to
get the bus there all that much faster.
While I am
walking the last couple blocks I suddenly recall that there is a part a
ways down the road because I've been through Sellwood enough to know a
few designated places. I know this park has a restroom as well, and so I
begin to partake in some chaotic mathematics wherein I am trying
determine what will get me to a toilet faster: sticking to the plan of
catching my bus and riding the storm out till I get off (fortunately I
live only like 500 feet from where my stop leaves off) or saying screw
this bus and taking a man jaunt to the nearby park and catching the next
bus that comes through. And man, my mind is thinking up a dozen things
at once. I count up the time and figure the bus is about 8 minutes away,
the ride will be about 25 minutes and then an extra minute or so to get
inside and to the bathroom where I live. So we're looking at 35 minutes
more of waiting and I am about to explode as it is. I figure then this
park is only a 20 minute wall, so it stands to reason walking to the
park is a better choice. There is then the problem of having to walk all
that way, but I said screw it, it's less time, I'm gonna walk to the
park!
Okay, so we're walking... and walking... and walking
and I am doing crazy leg contortions in order to keep something from
dripping out. And of course, I have to go through about 10 residential
blocks in order to get to the park so I am surrounded by people left and
right while trying to keep myself together. These three douchy high
school dudes were walking along with a super attractive girl who
hopefully in the weeks since has found more productive friends. I can
just see these dudes trying to mess with me and their reward for it will
ultimately getting sprayed at unintentionally by me. But they just
wander by and everything is good. Then I see a family all gathered
across the street. One is spraying down their lawn, which isn't doing me
any good and then the wife references that their baby needs a diaper
change and that she's going to take care of that. And all I can think
is, "I am about to become a baby because I am definitely going to pee
myself!" But I just keep going and going and it feels like these blocks
are going on forever.
Then, about halfway there, I
remember my friend Laura lives in Sellwood, but I don't know where.
Sellwood isn't exactly large, but for a man with only precious minutes
to spare before explosion it's not all that small either. So I ponder
where she lives. She said she lives near Sellwood Park. How far is
Sellwood Park from me? Oh, and wait, there are technically two Sellwood
Parks cause one is called Sellwood Memorial Park or some shit like that.
What if she meant the Memorial one that's like 4 miles away, or maybe
the other while is only a few blocks? I don't know and then I consider
texting her, honestly sending her an emergency text that would say
something to the effect of, "Hey I'm wandering through Sellwood and I
need a toilet!" At that moment I begin to ponder, "You know, I don't
really know Laura all that well." I feel kind of awkward making such a
bizarre request. But what if she's closer than the park? Then again,
what if she's further away than the park? In that case all of this
thinking is a total waste of time! You see what I'm talking about?
Thinking up seventy billion thoughts at once to the point that you are
thinking incoherently. But I blame most of the incoherence in this case
on the fact that I had to pee so... freaking... bad!
So I
decide screw it, I'm not going to bother Laura with this and I'm just
going to stay the course to the park. I'm only about eight blocks away
from the park, so I'll just keep going. But just because I'm close
doesn't mean I'm not still losing my mind. I finally reach a long
intersection at one end of the park and figure it's only about two
blocks across the park to the restroom so I prepare to relax, but of
course there is a bunch of cross traffic and no light there so I have no
way to halt the traffic for my emergency. So I'm standing there cursing
every car that comes through under my breath amidst a mix of other
chatter about how much pain I am in. Of course, I don't pay any
attention to the other direction and thus I didn't see this very
attractive young woman who might have possibly been the first in line to
become my future wife approaching me to cross as well, but surely she
stands about ten feet away from me likely assuming me to be a psychotic.
Finally a break comes in the traffic and I lurch forward, still with a
mission to complete.
I cross the street and wander
towards the park only to see that they have recently started
construction to revamp the park because why leave a nice little city
park looking beautiful like it already is when you can blow a bunch of
money the city doesn't really have to spend in recreating it and likely
making it look like an abomination compared to what it used to be? I
know, right? But I have a greater problem because the park is long and
thin, running north and south. I am on the west side of it and the long
fencing running through the middle of the park to block people from
running through the construction area is running directly between me and
the restroom. So now I have to walk an extra two blocks and then double
back to find the one tiny little pathway they provided to allow me to
reach this damn stinking restroom! My bladder is exploding and I'm
literally looking to a point only 30 feet or so away where the restroom
stands, knowing it's going to be a much greater distance for me. So I
circle around and double back, still whispering obscenities under by
breath as a way of release. But of course there are children everywhere
so I have to keep my voice soft out of respect for the kids... that is
until I am making a b-line for the restroom and I can tell it's one of
those crappy park restrooms where there's only one toilet inside. Then I
see a kid walking toward it and my rapidly decreasing mental capacity
is telling me that I am going to tackle this kid and spend the night in
jail if he goes from that restroom.
And then.......... And
Then............. AND THEN.............. he walked by it. Thank God!
It's all mine! I arrived at the door and fortunately it was flipped into
the "vacant" position so that door came flying open and so did my
obscenities. Keeled over the toilet I am yelling every random swear word
imaginable as my tormented Sellwood journey came to an end. That's how
the crazy guys mind works and, needless to say, it often leads me into
doing crazy things when there was a much easier solution looming out
there. And let me tell you know, crazy disoriented experiences such as
these are a common place for me so I highly doubt this is the last time I
will provide you with a story as of how chaotic this filmmaker's mind
can work. Good day!
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